I sometimes wondor - is it just me or does everybody feel like this sometimes or all of the time? Well, maybe not everybody but most people in my situation.... It is funny- I do not think there are many people in my situation but maybe there are thousands - that would be a little depressing - just one more thing that makes me not as special as I would like to think I am.
I am a pretty average 43 year old male ( I like the way it is written on medical reports 43 year old male that presents with.... sounds very brainy and knowledgable without anybody noticing they do not even pretend to know who it is they are talking about - as a quasi anonymous blog it really is very tempting to write in that pseudo jargon to convince everybody I am much smarter and more special than I am in reality but would be difficult to do so I will pass thank you any ways...)I have been single, married, divorced, a single parent, and current status is remarried for the last 13 years. I have four kids - 18 and just finished first year of college, 11th grade, 7th grade, and just finishing first grade. I am reasonably happily married - after 13 years I don't do cart wheels anymore thinking about being married but I don't go to sleep most nights wondoring what I am doing being married anymore either. I am a long way from rich - but a long way from poor also in all fairness - I am not concerned about where food or clothes will come from but I am concerned about overspending for a an upcoming family vacation and think maybe we should not have done that right now... My kids are all reasonably happy - or at least as happy as moody teenage girls can be at any given time. I have a house full of dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and a couple turtles just to keep things from getting boring. The mortgage is up to date and bill collectors are not calling 10 times a day ... any more- that is a rather new change and a very nice one I might add.
I have not worked in 3 years (well 2 years and 10 months but lets not be too picky). I was making nearly $100k a year in the last few years I was working - now I live on 2300/month disability and my wifes income as a public school teacher. I used to work 70 hours a week - now I am home alone most of the time. I do not stay in touch with any of my "friends" that I used to work with and it is really rare for me to speak to anybody but my immediate family and on occasion the next door neighbors. I do not have a cool "sexy" disease like cancer or anything with a long cool scientific name - as a matter of fact I am not even sure "what" I have and I do not think the doctors really know. I have really bad migraines about 20 days a month that I take large quantities of pain relievers for (mostly demerol and ultram for those who really like details). I have aphasia (word loss) which means I start talking and then can not think of the word I am trying to say (incidentally it happens when I type also but you don't notice the long pauses when you are reading). I have chronic random pain, light headedness, and numbness. Most recently (a week ago) I was diagnosed as having congestive heart failure - but when they did a test they could not find anything wrong with my heart so who figures. What I do know is I do not feel well most of the time- rarely have a full day without feeling truly ill or suffering from incredible pain, and generally am more of a drag than inspiration to my wife and children. Oh - and a few months ago I started having seizures so now I am not supposed to drive anymore either (though I have not had a seizure in like 6 weeks).
Well that brings me to the topic of this blog - if it really has a topic - quality of life. How many "good days" do you need to have to make life worth living? Does a single heartfelt smile at something my 6 year old says or does enough to make it all worth it for the day - or a week - or a month? I figure at 43 and a smoker I am over 1/2 done with my life anyway - regardless of any current medical questions. It is certainly long enough to know that I will never do anything truly earthshaking or dramatic in my life that will effect hundreds or even thousands of other people. Most decisions I make at this point barely even effect my own family. So what reason do I find any more to bother at all and how do you continue to justify your own excistence ?
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